Im not sure why im doing this, not sure why I think you would ever look at this thing. Or if you even still wonder. When there is no one to talk to my livejournal has always been the best at listening. I need to put these thoughts somewhere and since you are no where to be found, THIS is where the words are going.
Im angry that you believed you needed to disappear. to heal. running away will never get you anywhere. and not learning to deal with the pain, the emptiness the hard way does not help anything.
I know I hurt you and Im sorry things turned out this way. NO I did not for see this. NO i did not want this. NO i did not plan this. Nothing in life happens the way you plan it. NOTHING!! Your going to fall in love over and over again. And get hurt over and over again. Thats the reality of it all. In the end, though, your skin will be damn thick.
One day you will look back and smile. And understand. As absurd as that sounds now, trust me. I couldnt force or pretend what wasnt there. Im just glad you had the balls to say something. To do this for youself. I apologize if you felt like I was leading you on.
I still care about you and always will. This emptiness, what feels a black hole of nothing, is such a shock. Everything happened so fast and now there is nothing there. Your only a stranger to me. I can barely picture your face in my head anymore. Now I am only doing what I have to and trying to get back on my feet.
Im still watching Lost. literally...4 episodes a day. I wish I had someone to talk to about it and explain things to me. But im addicted.
I dyed my hair pretty damn close to blonde. I dont think I do this intentionally but after a break up I find myself doing something crazy to my hair.
Casey is good. Im probably going to adopt a lab. Im too hasty for my own good. I havent spoken to Foley so I figure he wouldnt still expect me to take Swyper. I hope he (thats swyper) is doing ok.
Anyways,
I hope your doing well. I hope that your friends are being good to you and not saying things just to make you feel better. Im sure that you have heard time heals everything and I know right now that it seems impossible now but its so true. You will see. Im sad that one of the last texts you sent me was concerning Ashley and Heather because im not sure what they or anyone thinks of you matters at this point. I hope you didnt take me off your facebook because someone told you to. You are your own voice.
I heard you were considering staying in Orlando. I wish you good luck with whatever you plan on doing. Hopefully staying would prove to be more beneficial than coming back to St Pete because you had a girl.
I didnt feel like sending this to you would be right because that would be forcing you to read it. If you needed to see this, then you will come find it. And if your reading this, you did.
-Tina

This weekend Brooke, Casey and I went to Jacksonville for the third time. I cant believe we have been three times now! Brooke drove because obviously I dont trust my car and Casey has a pretty old car that has bad belts. I drove to Orlando a few months ago with Brooke but thats only a two hour drive. Jacksonville is 4 and I just dont know how my little car would handle that. She said it was fine that she drove as long as Casey and I drove it sometimes. Which we did, we switched off every now and then. I heard her a couple times complaining about her driving though =/ If she didnt want to drive her car she should have said so!
It took us 3 1/2 hours to get there which is pretty good time. We left on Friday at 11:30am and didnt hit any traffic. When we got there we checked into our awesome hotel. The hotel we stayed in is the Hosting Hotel for the PGA Players! We got a room on priceline for $50 a night lol. We got subs at the Publix down the street where we were harassed by a creepy young guy at the check out. While we were out front eating Casey called it that he would be on his break and walk out. Thank goodness he didnt sit by us.
Brooke was telling me that Casey didnt get her anything for Valentine's Day and that she was really upset out it. Friday he told her that he wasnt getting her anything. They started fighting about it in the car which was really awkward and nevertheless stupid. Brooke is making excuses for him just like she watched me do with Sean. Im going to have to talk to her because I know she isnt happy.
After we ate our subs, we called Shelley and she was done with her RA activities so we drove to her Dorm. We got dressed for Aaron's party and then waited while watching TV and just caught up on things. We ordered the Papa Johns Valentine's Day heart pizza which I had been dying to get!! It wasnt as good as I thought but still pizza <333 Last year we went to Aaron's party also. He was living in a huge apartment with a couple roommates. This year he got a house and is again living with 3 other guys. I think three? Anyways. The house is huge and its really nice. There wasnt too many people there, probably about 30. Im pretty sure I was the only single girl there. There were a couple cute guys I had my eye on. This one kept coming in the room we were in to talk to us. Eventually Brooke and Shelley had convinced him to make this "Oatmeal Cookie" shot he had been talking about. We took them together and then from there its just a drunk mess. Brooke and I went upstairs to watch him play his drums. I LOVE when a guy has a passion for something and that was a real turn on. Brooke is so slick lol she kept making excuses to why she had to the leave the room. Eventually, she never came back upstairs and he stopped playing. We went into the hallway and started talking. All the guys there were really funny! After a little while we went downstairs where Billy Joel was playing. I dont remember the song but Aaron and Dave started screaming it! Journey came on and thats when I joined in and pictures started being taken lol. Ill have to get those soon. I kept asking "how many people are still here" because it seemed like it was getting late. Brooke came up to get me and I asked him to dinner the next night. I gave him MY number and said I'D text him. What a smart move! Ended up not being able to text him the next day and he didnt text me lol. Suckssss. I love getting just drunk enough. I still remember a lot but there are little details missing and my time recolection is really bad. It seemed like only a short time we were talking and dancing but Brooke and Shelley said it was like 2 hours!! That night Shelley stayed the night at our Hotel with us. I didnt sleep good at all and I think it was because I was drunk. Usually though I sleep really good when im drunk.
The next morning while we were all getting ready to head back to the dorms, Room Service knocked on the door. I answered and said "Later, please" and the Spanish lady gave me the dirtiest look and shook her head at me. I was so confused?!?! What is the etiquette on Room Service. I mean she wasnt going to come in there and clean while we were all changing! Weird. We went shopping at the Town Center. It was kinda cloudy and a little drizzly but we managed. I spent a little too much money but got some cute clothes and shoes. The Cheesecake Factory where we were planning on going to dinner was right in the plaza. Shelley and I drove to get David (shelley's bf) while Brooke and Casey made reservations. There was a two hour wait and by the time we got back there was still an hour and a half wait. It was kind of raining harder so we had to squeeze inside with everyone else. The wait was really long but we eventually sat down and had a really good dinner! I got shrimp scampi mmm. They have one of the HUGE ASS menus like BJ's. It is so hard to pick one thing because they have such a wide variety. I ordered cheesecake for dessert and only ate half of it since I was so full already. That night we went to the Hookah shop and tried to get my tattoo but the place was closing! Ugh. We watched Tropic Thunder in Shelley's dorm then went back to the Hotel.
Sunday we were woken up by room service knocking at 8:30....isnt that a little fucking early? We had check out at 11 so I dont understand why they were knocking and waking us up. I mean obviously we were still in there, we werent going to check out 3 hours early. We were going to wait til 12 to go to the tattoo shop again when they opened. Shelley overslept at her dorm causing her to miss her Deaf Church she was supposed to go to for her class. When we got to the Tattoo Shop it was 1 and they already had a two hour wait. I asked the guy if he could take my name so we would come back. He took my name and number and said he would start to make a list. We came back 2 hours later and he was taking some girl that hadnt been there earlier. He said it would be about 45 minutes to an hour. What the hell? They didnt want to wait again which is understandable so we left. On our way back to St Pete!! I slept some of the way home. Half way home I started thinking about that guy at the party Friday night. I added him on facebook when I got on Shelley's laptop Saturday. I was thinking about what I was going to say to him. When I got home I turned on my computer and started putting away some of my clothes. I messaged him saying "Hola. were you wondering why I didnt text you Saturday night?" and a couple minutes later he got online and we started chatting on Facebook Chat. We talked from like 9 til midnight. Now maybe he just really enjoys having good conversations but I think its unusual for a guy to sit online and chat with a girl he just met once for 3 hours. Randomly he said something about he'd already been in a long distance relationship and it wasnt good. I said Yeah Id probably never try. Awkward that we had that conversation but anyways lol. Not sure whats going to happen with that but we'll see.
It was a fun weekend but it seems like every year it gets more and more stressful. It just seemed like Brooke wasnt having too much fun. I mean Casey was there and they were fighting a little bit and it seemed like she was pretty irriated with Shelley a few times. Im just so mellow and laid back that Im down for anything and a little change of plans didnt bother me. On Sunday I could tell that both Casey and Brooke were VERY ready to go home.
Now im home and sitting in my backyard watching my clothes on the line. There are like 4 mosquitos flying around me and im getting pretty hungry. This weekend is hopefully the Garage Sale i'd been planning!!

Im am positively 100% too much in love. I dont care if that sounds stupid. My heart is on my sleeve and theres nothing I can do about it. I could never imagine trying to fix a broken heart this time. not now, please. Sometimes Im scared about feeling this much. =( just be nice to me. I know you dont mean to do this.

Casey Cassum is rummaging her way under the covers on my bed right now. Oh, what spoiled brats My Mom and I have raised!
Sean told me to write a book tonight jokingly and I said "Ive already written a couple" lol basically. The "Little Love Story" I wrote in 10th grade about Chris and I dating is 13 pages long in Microsoft Word. I thought I remembered it being alright in the beginning because its just about me. But in the end its stupid and immature since its about how much a "loved" chris. Anyways, so I just read it and honestly right now..I want to rip it up. I was 14 years old lol what do you expect honestly? Its weird reading it because at that time thats exactly how I (thought) I felt. Now I look back and makes me feel awkward and a little freaked out? I was too immature to be acting...mature? And thats exactly what it was. I was immature, as most 14 year old girls are, trying to be something greater and more mature than I was. Pretentious!!! I hope im using that right lol Ive never used it before. I dont think I like voicing my opinions where I can look back at them later because I think I sound like a dumbass..but who knows, maybe I would make more sense now. I just remember my mom telling me a was "Smitten" over chris in the car one night and getting so fucking pissed, I didnt even know what it meant but I knew she was being an opinionated bitch. If I have a teenage daughter and she wants to believe she is in love, so be it. She will learn. As will any teenager. I think if your young and believe to be in love... you dont talk about it to much; because you know. Unlike me with Chris I felt like I always had to prove to everyone and tell everyone how "madly in love" we were. I was such a weirdo.. looking back. God I creep myself out.
Seriously, I have to say this though. Each time love has crossed my path, I felt a different way. Who knows which time it was real love or which time it was an infatuation or a superficial feeling. I'll never know. I can tell you (that before now) I've never been the first to say, "I love you" and I think generally..that means a lot more than presuming "I love you too."
Next month at the Police Station my new training schedule is 11pm-7am with Saturdays and Sundays off. Last night Sean stayed up with me til 7 to practice. Tonight Ill try to stay up til atleast 5 but no later because I have work tomorrow. My first paycheck was sweet. Ive spent more than half already and still want to buy Coheed and Cambria tickets. I have never been to a concert at Jannus! We watched Claudio play Flavor House Atlantic acoustic on TV last night and god thats way more than enough reason to go. I have a lot I want to buy and spend my money on and also a shit ton to save for. A car, an apartment, a cruise, a plan ticket, Casey getting spayed. Ill be fine once ,ill say, the 3rd paycheck. Theres no way I can spend $2000 a month. My dad says to save up for a car so I dont have to have payments. Id say around $15,000 sounds good but holy shit, I cant imagine, that seems like an unlikely amount of money to have. Especially since ive gotten used to seeing less that $100 in my bank account... Who knows though. A lot of the people at this job have been there for more than 10 years and are making &60k a year, and thats very well off. The city pays for my college so I might as well "better myself" as Sean would say and get a Bachelors Degree. He is right though.
I started back on my Birth Control this month and holy shit; I have never felt this fucked up before. My hormones are going crazy and It must be from being on Birth Control for a year straight, off for a month, back on for a month, off for 3 months and now back on it. My body must be going mad with the changes in hormones because Ive been going through emotions like a Psychopathic BiPolar! HONESTLY though. Today I came home from Seans, cooked, sat on the computer for a while just hanging around my room normal stuff and my Dad called to say he was coming home and we could go Grocery Shopping. He came home, took forever to get ready and I got anxious, annoyed...spent money online. I felt like shit and I was angry just for no reason. My Dads been working a lot with his buddy who has his own business and I havent talked to him for a couple days so there was a lot I could have talked about but I felt depressed...drained and worthless. It went all through my body and everything seemed to be wrong. I could feel it in my face as if I hadn't slept for days and the life was sucked out of me. What a bipolar BITCH! I was a little bit better on the way home, talking to my dad and not freaking out so much. I went back to Sean's when I got home. Man I hope that doesnt keep happening because it sucked. I know its a mix of things though contributing to my stress level. A lot is new to me right now; Having Money, an almost perfect relationship, A New job I could keep for the rest of my life. A lot is stressing me out; Having Money(what to do with it, Mainly) wtf am I doing with School, wanting to move out so bad, how come my face wont clear up!?!?!, My School loan I dont need now.. all bullshit that will just work out and I shouldnt be worrying about =)
Ahh Im really excited about doing a scrapbook in the future. Not too far, maybe next year. I want to make it really good.
PS If your a Zappos fan, FYI, they dont have overnight shipping anymore!!
I love how fast time flies. I wont be fully trained and solo at my job for 6 months. How intense it that? It seems like forever but I know it will fly by especially once im finished with Academy. Sean and I have been dating for 5 months now and almost half a year! I cant wait to say this is my longest relationship. Although easy for me to say lol he has me beat by like... almost 8 months? What a gay. Its so different nurturing a friendship and nurturing a relationship. Its a challenge. Im still adapting to how he goes about different things, What I HATE and what I LOVE. What I get TOO much of and not ENOUGH of. The STUPID ass things I say and wish I could change or take back. The LITTLE things I worry about and make BIG deals out of. Always hoping im not doing the wrong thing. I sure love you and hope we keep this thing a rollin'.

Good Night readers; Its laaate.

I just spend 20 minutes looking for a new avatar. Reminded me back in high school, I had a different one every month haha.
I wish I could post in this everyday, or atleast every week or so. I dont though so when I do come around my entries are super long! I know im going to look back on this when im older and having time to sit and keep a journal will no longer be there.
Sean and I are awesome, our four month is in two weeks. He was just here but he left to play basketball. He just got a job at WalMart and will finally be making money =)
Brooke and I are getting closer and closer. I want to get an apartment with her so bad. We talk so much about everrrything. Her, Me and Shelley hung out last week and we straight gossiped for like 4 hours. Im done with gossip for a while haha.
I gotta finish this before my laptop battery dies.
Im trying to get a job at the St Pete Police Department (wow, i hope I didnt talk about this in my previous entry!) as a Radio Dispatcher. Id start out at 13.50 an hour. My interview was already two months ago. I have seen a Background Investigator, Had a Polygraph and took a 4 hour Psychological Exam! Today a friend called and said they called for a reference. Its taking forever but im really excited and I hope I get the job after all of this. Im still at Chili's and it fucking sucks. I constantly try to compare the two jobs and the reasons I hate Chilis. I dont mind being stressed at work but I think that if I have all of the right resources it will be fine. At Chili's we can be understaffed, busier than expected, huge parties of rude-ass black people, pissed off servers bitching at me. I cant stand dealing with stupid people and that makes me nervous about liking this job. They warned me at the interview that its really stressful and having people yell at you on the phone all day can traumatizing(sp?). Id be in training and the probationary period for a month and for six months I wouldnt be able to ask for days off. Yikes! We'll see though =)
Casey broke her leg two months ago and its been a long exhausting rode to where she is now. Over $800 dollars later, she is lying next to me with her splint off. My mom heard through a friend about a vet in Dade City who said they could save me a lot of money. I drove there three times and Ya, it was a ton cheaper than anywhere else I could have gone. The Vet even told me she definetly did not need surgery on it. We just changed her splint once. She has had it off for a week and it looks great so far. She still doesnt use it too much when she is walking and thats normal. Soon she start walking normally though. Last week she got her first heat and she has been bleeding. I need to buy her doggie diapers haha right now I have a makeshift underwear/pad thing. Its been working fine haha.
Oh another thing about the Police Job, They wouldnt work around my schedule at school. Im going to sign up for two online classes in the fall so at least im doing something instead of nothing! Honestly though, I hate college. If I get the job there come on, I dont even need a degree. I could move up and that could be my career. I should at least get my AA though...
Oh ya, once again Im doing that stupid paycheck to paycheck thing that I was doing at Target. Im so poor, Chili's sucks. Maybe now that I dont have to pay anything else for Casey's leg, ill be good. Sammy ran away because of the thunder storm last week and he was at the Humane Society. My mom made me go pick him up and it ended up being $48, how insane is that? Lammeeee. Thats why im broke until I get paid friday. Fucking gas man, $40 to fill up my tank. I hope my quarter of a tank lasts me for 4 more days. Wednesday Im going with Brooke, Casey, Brad and Cate to Adventure Island and Busch Gardens. Im excited!!
Im trying to get a virus off my other computer right now. Damn Limewire! I want to play sims haha. I tried downloading in onto my laptop but it was such a huge program, It couldnt run.
My dad just called and said he is on his way home. We need to go Grocery Shopping really bad. I also need to do the dishes, argg.
I just started using Biolage Conditioner again, I fucking love that stuff.
And Dont use Proactiv after its expired, I broke out so bad =(
im off, see you in a month or two. MAYBE SOONER! byee.

I was going to go to Ohio with Sean this week. His Grandpa died and his funeral is this week but his Aunt's bought his family plane tickets. I got my hopes up big time. It would have been a 16 hour drive and its snowing there. How cool would that have been? But now he is in Ohio for 3 days and im stuck here. I feel like im on House Arrest!
I really need a job. I dont want to settle for something I know im not going to like doing. Like serving again.. I want a job that maybe will take me somewhere. Ive been applying everywhere I can think of online. Sending my resume everywhere. Nothing yet. Ive been making some money on Ebay, I spend $50 on shipping today at the Post Office. Although the money isnt going to hold me over for too long. Ugh job job job. I havent been without a job for 3 years. Since I was 16 I have had a job! Crazzy.
Oh ya so Sean and I are dating now. Dont say you saw that coming! Its insane how quickly it went from friend to romantic; friendship to relationship. I was so scared I was going to mess things up. But wow, Its been almost a month and I never would have guessed we go together so great. Were so wrapped up in each other. We've been friends for a long time; I dont have to worry about him accepting my flaws because he already has. He has seem me through thick and fucking thin and is still by my side. I trust him with my life. Ironic that a couple months ago I put something in my livejournal that said "I dont just want to be your boyfriend, I want to be your best friend." Not saying that about anyone in particular, just in general. I finally got it right =)
Im getting really good at Guitar Hero. I always said I wasnt going to ever play it becuase I knew I would get addicted. Wow, my life is at a standstill right now. Ill update this in about a month, hehe. see ya.

Math, I just plain suck.

I really really just have to be in the mood for make a good livejournal post. I dont think right now is the right time but oh well this might just have to be forced. I recently went through all my old posts and deleted ones that weren't so necessary. Probably about 100. Good Job to meee.
Barbara got me an Ant Farm for Christmas and I recently got my ants. They have already dug two tunnels! lol Im trying to come up with cool names for them all but im taking my time. I still have to count them but atleast I know there is between 20-30. Hell yes im cool.
School is actually going good. I ,for some reason, got my refund money back which I shouldnt have. So... thanks bright futures. Ive pretty much spent most of it. My taxes are all done also and I should be getting that money soon too. I love money. I love having it, managing it and SPENDING it! I bought a new desk from Wal-Mart, it should be here sometime this week. yaaaayyy. Oh and new 27" TV which I LOVE.
My Mom is a fucking bitch, whats new with that? I might and might not be going to NYC for 3 days over Spring Break. Depends on how big of a bitch my mom is! We'll see. If I dont go im throwing an old-school party at her house. in yooo face.
I really want to paint my walls a completely different color because holy shit I cant stand this blue. Thats such a pain in the ass though. UGGGGGH do it for mee.
February is going to be AWESOME! The 7th were going to Arabian Nights for Sean's Birthday. Valentine's Day Weekend Sean, Zach Brooke and I driving up to Jacksonville again to see a stand up. The next weekend Sean wants to go to North Carolina to see Zach Galifianakis (probably spelled that wrong W/E!!!!) and Will Ferrel...but idk about all that, NC is quite far.
Casey gets bored of me and then goes to my dad's bed at night when I stay online haha. bitch!! Im getting a bunch a movie posters and putting them in my room. So far i've bought Juno, August Rush and Reign Over Me. Ill think of way more though.
itsss effing cold in my house =( why doesnt my dad put on the heat.

//

Friend,
I love everything about you. Envy would probably be the word im looking for. I wish more people had qualities like you or I wish I could surround myself with a 100 of you. I consider myself lucky to be as close to you as I am. You are so DEFINED as who you are. Unique, Amazing, talented. You truly have a beautiful mind. I respect you for so much. Your so much more intelligent than I ,or anyone, could ever give you credit for. Am I the only one who realizes that?
I dont ever want you to go.
I love you. And actually hate you at the time.
-tm.

oh, livejournal, how i love you =)
you mean so much to me. you listen to me when no one else is around to hear. You take in everything I need to put out. much love <3
life is awesome. sometimes I wonder if its going in the right direction or if im even making progress. Im definatly coasting and for now thats ok. As long as im making money and going to school, Im fine for a few more years.
Im serving at Applebee's now. People tip a whole lot better at night than they do during the day. I have my day shifts; im starting to give them away lol. Serving is ok, I like it for the most part. Our managers are crazy and applebee's is very disorganized. What can I do? I really dont think there is a perfect job. The money is good so whatever I suck it up.
I royally fucked up my first semester of college. I'll re-apply for bright futures next semester. I think with most things I have to fuck up big time to learn my lesson. Hopefully next semester ill be more into it and take school more seriously. this just makes my time at SPC all the longer!!
My puppy is sooo cute. I named her Casey. She like her mom a lot; she licks and licks and licks, sleeps under my covers between my legs and looks in the mirror a lot. But she looks just like her dad. Long legs, skinny and perky ears. adorrrable =)
My friends are the best. Some things have rearranged. Im sure it was meant to happen though; I've accepted it.
Im obsessed with eBay. Ive sold soo much ahahha and probaly bought more. I just bought this really heavy Abercrombie Jacket for New York but it says the user is no longer registered. That could be bad. Ill be really upset If I dont get it before we leave. =(
I cant wait to see snow, its going to be so much fun. I hope I dont regret going up for a whole two weeks!! My family is not THAT exciting. But sledding is!
Oh man, I've been single for almost a whole year now. Pretty much a year. Its really strange going from a lot of emotion to none. I haven't felt anything for a long long time. Im not lonely; I have friends that take care of me. Im very independant; I can take care of myself. Sex? I guess when its not going on so much around you and the opportunities are not anywhere to be found, you stop wanting it. It would be nice for some excitement in my life though. Im not saying my life is boring though either. I just just need something; like come on give me some kind of challenge. Break my heart or something.
Im so picky these days. I can literally look at someone and say "Yes" or "No". On top of that, I havent been meeting very many new people lately. Im taking a class at the downtown campus next semester just to get out there some more lol.
Thats meee these days. Creepy is my new word so I couldnt go a whole livejournal entry withouth saying it =)
good night, friends.

I cant wait to get my laptop. Its taking Dell forever to ship it out. Better be good!! They charged my account, i suppose to just confirm that I had the money, then put it back in there. Now im spending money that im not supposed to. Ugh thats lame, just keep it!
I hate money, by the way. Im not making much of it and im definatly spending more than im making. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome at Applebee's. Barbara was talking about going Job Searching tomorrow and I hope we do. I DO want to serve. I need to work, damnit! This is terrible.
School is lame. I like going but the damn tests... I really need to learn how to study. In Highschool i never had to. Thanks POS Dixie. I hate math more than ever. I wish I took this class during Dual Enrollment like when i was taking Algebra 2 and I knew this stuff. Blah whatever. I hate having to work HARD for things. because i never really have...
Oh the puppies! haha they are so cute. Two are sold already and should be leaving this weekend. I still dont know what to name mine. hm.
Im sooo in love with The Hills. I wish they would make hour long episodes, i would watch every minute. I love everything thats going on in that show. Heidi and Spencer just keep making things worse, its crazy! Lauren is amazing.
GO BULLS!!!!!!!! That game was fun. I might MIGHT! be going to the UCF vs USF game. Brooke says she might camp out to get tickets and it would be super fun to go up there with her. Last night was one of my favorite nights, by the way. Me, Sean, Zach, Evan and Brooke hung out til 3am. In Tampa they have some really fun Hooka Bars. A guy was playing guitar and totally rocking out. Pretty cool until he busted out with the DOUG THEME SONG!!! And then Lion King. haha. We watched Donnie Darko, very deep.
I hate how there is nothing on the damn TV, holy shit. I could go on forever about stupid stuff so I think im ending it here.
ps. i like you a lot. im sorry i dont act like it , I really just dont know how. You gotta give me more of a sign.